So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
