She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
