Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
