PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
