I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
