WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
