You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Found your dick twin last night
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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