If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
