I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
