I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
