if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
