1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
