I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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