you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
