just come out here and I will go home with you...
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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