I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
