just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
