if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
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His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
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As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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