Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
