if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
