Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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