Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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