I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
this hospital has no fireball
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
