i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
