hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Congratulations! We have a period
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