Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
