Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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