I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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