Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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