BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
