his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
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My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
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Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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