I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
