these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
