bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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