i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
