I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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