I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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