Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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