I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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