I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
