I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
