I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
