I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
