Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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