the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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