So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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