my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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