My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
