Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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