I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
