half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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