we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
