Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
