I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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