you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sext me about skeletons
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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