Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
