I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
