Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
